today i am supposed to be working on a paper for my MacDiv course. it's due on friday. as a master procrastinator, i really am kidding myself by thinking i'll actually get it rolling before friday morning, but one can at least attempt to break bad habits... or at least dream of it.
this is going to be the last paper i'll write for a while. i've been working towards a Master of Theological Studies at Mac since 2006, part-time studies while working nearly full-time. i've recently decided to quit.
"quit" seems like such a harsh word, especially since it's not something i let myself do easily. in fact, i have a quote by Winston Churchill in a frame in my office that says, "Never, never, never give up." but let's be honest-- when it comes right down to it, that's what it is.
i do think i have good reasons for quitting though. i believe God had something to do with leading me to this decision. i feel it's best for me at this time in my life. the program wasn't working for me-- i wasn't learning anything new or being challenged in my intellectual abilities. i just couldn't focus enough taking one course at a time. if i'm ever going to continue this pursuit of higher education, it'll need to be in a full-time capacity. and maybe i won't continue at all-- my dad is one of the smartest people i know and all he has is his grade 12. the rest is all self-guided learning through reading. who knows, maybe i'll just follow his lead in learning from life.
plain and simple, i just want to simplify. when i really think about it, i'm not studying because i want to, but because i feel i should. and recently i've come to believe that anything done only because of "should" is not worth doing. i constantly feel stressed out, that i don't have time to do the things i want to do or read books i'm interested in, or invest in relationships because of this perpetual nagging at the back of my mind that i have an assignment to work on or a class to go to. it comes down to the "great expectations" i feel people had of me-- that i can do a master's, so i should. it's hard to explain really, but as a woman in ministry, you feel you sort of need to prove yourself. i think it has something to do with trying to balance all the opportunities available to me with what i really want in life. i need to take time to figure out the latter before delving into the former.
so, i'm really looking forward to the break, and i'm looking forward to just learning from life. rather than having to fulfill required reading lists, i can pick up a book that catches my interest. rather than having to spend hours pumping out a paper on a topic about which i could care less, i can keep my house in order so i feel comfortable inviting friends over and build into relationships. rather than spending emotional energy on wondering if this is the right program for me and am i getting anywhere, i can trust God to guide me and teach me what he knows i need to learn in order to take me where he wants me to be. i feel like my personal relationship with God has suffered in the last number of years and i am realizing how necessary it is for me to focus on that. i am looking forward to re-establishing a more intimate relationship with him.
so while i was procrastinating from my paper (oh my, i can't believe it's after 1pm!) i did some reading from the book our small group is studying right now-- "So, You Want To Be Like Christ" by Charles Swindoll. I'll admit, at first I was not excited in the least about another book on the spiritual disciplines. but to my surprise, his approach is quite refreshing.
this week's chapter was on simplicity- the art of uncluttering our minds. wow, i thought-- this really resounds with what i've been trying to do in my life. here are a few quotes that caught my attention:
Would you like someone to say of you, "Well, she's a simple woman," or, "He's a simple man"? Simple used to be a compliment, meaning unwavering, disciplined, determined, moving in a clearly defined direction-- but not now. Now it suggests you're not operating at full capacity above the shoulders! Your elevator doesn't reach the top floor. Both oars aren't in the water. (From Alan Redpath's Blessings Out of Buffetings)
He goes on to explain that the term for "simple" in the New Testament (gk: haplotes), when describing people, means "singleness." Redpath refers to such individuals as Wiliam Carey, Hudson Taylor and D.L. Moody-- men with brilliant minds who were basically as simple as little children in their walk with God.
Too much clutter in your mind leaves insufficient room for devotion to Christ. And it shows up in how you relate to Him.... You need to invest the time and the energy to cultivate a depth of devotion. it is that which requres us to simplify, to unclutter our lives, to weed the garden of our minds to make room for something beautiful to grow.I think I want people to see me as simple.
And in reference to a letter from a seminary grad, this quote was especially... relevant to me:
... he lamented that when he arrived, he was deeply in love with Jesus Christ; but when he left he had fallen more in love with the biblical text.... After a few tough years in ministry, he came to realize that he needed to love Christ... to get back to a simple devotion to Christ.
as important as higher education is, if it's not helping me to love Jesus more then it's of no use. that was encouraging to me-- my classes aren't helping me to fall more deeply in love with my Saviour. if anything, they have been a distraction to that pursuit. and so I'm grateful for this little confirmation that my decision to pursue simplicity is a good one. for once in my life I don't feel at all guilty about quitting.
but i am feeling (a little) bad about putting off this paper for so long. i need to finish well. so, off i go.
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